i've recently,suddenly, and unexpectedly lost the only thing in my life that i thought would always be there. its a pain and an emptiness that i can't even describe.my life is sort of a mess just like anyone else's but there was this one thing, this one person and relationship that i always counted on.for three years and almost three months i put all my eggs in one basket and lost, but it was well worth the gamble. there's this beck song on the eternal sunshine soundtrack that i've been listening to over and over again. i don't like beck but this song is very fitting. the chorus says "change your heart, look around you, change your heart, it will astound you...everybodys gotta learn sometime..." anyway, i need some time and i won't be on here for awhile if ever again, so i thought i should excuse myself from this forum.thank you all for your time and comments.it has been a wonderful learning and growing process.and a very, very special thank you to zpheonixdownz for all of his support and encouragement.this journal is probably more for myself than anyone else because no one tends to read this shit.i don't blame them.i'm long winded and boring...the break up is starting to make a little more sense...that's all.thank you.now, i have insomnia to tend to...farewell.